Workplace romance can work, but power makes it complicated

The former HR executive says he learned that firsthand while working as a software development manager. He managed an employee whose husband was the company’s CEO, an arrangement designed to keep her from reporting directly to her spouse. After he gave her a glowing review, she objected to what she saw as embellishment. The next time, he wrote a more direct assessment; her husband rebuked him and asked him to change it.

The complications extended beyond formal reviews. Colleagues might have held back criticism or wondered whether her arguments in product discussions carried extra weight, he writes. Even when a couple’s relationship is disclosed and senior leaders promise impartiality, others may feel pressure to change their behavior. A partner of a senior manager can wield influence unintentionally, while jealousy or concerns about favoritism can bring unwarranted scrutiny. HR may struggle to determine what is happening: employees may not speak candidly, or may doubt that the department can be impartial.

The author says he and his now-wife also navigated a workplace dating ban when they were peers. Her team used the computer systems he managed, and they kept the relationship private. Colleagues still joked that her printouts might come out faster because he ran the printer. He sees their marriage as evidence that workplace relationships can succeed, but says good intentions cannot prevent others from questioning decisions involving compensation, promotions or performance.

For relationships involving a senior leader, he argues, one person leaving the company is the cleanest way to remove the direct conflict. The junior employee should not automatically be expected to go; the senior person may have better job prospects. If a relationship is extramarital, he says, the risks can also extend to morale, company perceptions and possible blackmail.

His advice is to separate work and personal lives as quickly and cleanly as possible, rather than expecting colleagues to accommodate the relationship.